It's probably been somewhere around a year and a half since I sat in the waiting room at our village surgery with my mum, back when my head was fully immersed in a world that scared the hell out of me that I didn't stand a chance of understanding alone. I wouldn't have been there had my brand new university personal tutor gently suggested it when I found the courage to tell her I was struggling. I've learnt a lot about many things since I was sitting anxiously waiting to see an unfamiliar doctor and make vague attempts to articulate the inner workings of my mind. The truth is, I'm still not sure quite how it happened, but the point is that it did and I left the surgery that day with a fresh prescription, a few niggling worries but mainly an enormous sense of relief.
You see, my two years at college really took their toll on my mental health. It's unfortunate, but it's a fact. By the time I was halfway through my first semester of university, the extreme mental fatigue of those two years finally caught up with me. The friendship group I'd started college with had drifted apart and nobody could really have explained why and the friends I'd made at college were moving away to start exciting new adventures in other parts of the country.
In my head, I was one gigantic problem on legs. I was miserable, I had no self-confidence, my studies during that time are best left forgotten, I put on weight and I forced myself to try and somehow present all of that to new people in a positive way. I quickly decided that being honest was probably the best way forward. I was tired of pretending things were different than they felt inside my mind.
I managed a semester of my degree before deciding to switch courses and go from joint to single honours. I just couldn't do it, and I've learnt to be okay with that. I made three wonderful friends - Jack, Isabella, and the ever-witty-texter James - in that semester whose support was immeasurable and though I only see them every few months now, they are all important people in my life. They all head off for a year abroad later this year and I'm excited to see them go on such an incredible journey but sorry to see them go.
While I was considering switching my course, I was fast making friends with a couple of students in one of my elective classes who also happened to be on my core degree programme. We had our elective class immediately followed by a core lecture one day per week, so we would pretty much spend all afternoon together. When I started my new degree programme, one of these people - Brigitte - was in all but one of my classes and introduced me to another person on our programme, Jess. We seem to have formed a nice little group since then. Brigitte and Jess are two of the least judgemental individuals I know and have helped me to find a way of speaking about what's on my mind. Together, we attended my first ever university social recently. For me, that was a huge step.
I still see some of my college and school friends - Sophie, Billie, Eliza and Zoe - sometimes. Some more than others because, let's face it, everybody is unbelievably busy. I also see my 'CT', Poppy, on occasion and we tweet most days. Nobody makes me laugh quite like Poppy and the foundations of our relationship lie in stand-up comedy, bad singing and positivity. Everybody needs a Poppy and that's just how the world should be. She makes me smile and encourages every little ridiculous idea that pops into my head.
I now go to exercise classes every week - most weeks at least twice, and recently thrice - with my eldest cousin, Amy, and I'm in a bit of a rut at the moment but this is the first time since Christmas when I've felt less than enthusiastic about it. I'd call that an achievement. Purely unintentionally, I've gone back down to my pre-depression dress size and done one of the things I never imagined I would: I bought gym membership. We've reached an age where the age gap between us has evened out now and it's nice to spend so much time together with as close to a sister as I will ever get.
This year has been easier, academically. I've still had my moments and I don't plan on coming off my medication until my degree has finished but I'm getting there. I've found my strengths and weaknesses and I'm learning how to make them fit around the challenges my mind presents.
Overall, I'm happy and healthier than I remember being in the last few years. I'm finding confidence in the smallest of places but learning to embrace it. I'm surrounded by people who make my heart happy and support me. I can only hope to do the same in return. I've set myself a goal for my 21st birthday which, in all honesty, has been in the back of my mind since I was probably about 15 now. I've never had the confidence to believe it could happen until now, and knowing that people I love are excited about it for me is a beautiful thing to think about.
As John Mayer once sang, "I'm in repair. I'm not together, but I'm getting there."
Love always,
Rx
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Hi guys :) I thought I'd pop up more of a tag style post today to break things up a bit and I decided to do the 50 facts about me one. So, get yourself comfy and here goes...
1. I'm a first year Linguistics and Phonetics student, which basically means I study language.
2. I'm also studying elective modules in Hebrew and Icelandic. Yes, I am a little bit mad for that.
3. Stand-up comedy is one of my favourite things and I even have a friend (hey, CT!) with whom I travel around Yorkshire to comedy shows with.
4. I'm technically a published author (in the book sense and everything).
5. When I was a toddler, a member of the girl band All Saints rollerbladed me over in Bridlington.
6. My favourite noise is the little squeak a happy/hungry/excited guinea pig does.
7. I have a 'thing' for collecting notepads, quirky pens, cute stationery etc... and especially stickers.
8. I've been trying to teach myself Swedish for years. Hopefully it will be a bit easier after a year studying Icelandic.
9. I'm finally seeing the incredible Josh Groban live in June and I've never been more excited for anything in my whole life.
10. I studied Spanish for five and a half years, but I've never been to Spain.
11. I went to Croatia in 2010 and it was the most beautiful place and experience I've ever been lucky enough to have.
11. I have an obsession with painting my nails/nail art.
12. My bed is a mess right now - I have four unopened series of My Family, my iPad, two bags, a purse, a make-up bag and a ton of clothes on there. Maybe I should be tidying (I should always be tidying...)
13. I can't stand melted cheese.
14. I have a bunny called Dusty and a guinea pig called Peanut.
15. I'm frequently overwhelmed by the niceness of my university friends.
16. I loved school but I absolutely hated college.
17. I'm not a fan of the new look Outlook.
18. There's so much snow here in the north that I've only left the house once since Wednesday. I didn't mind until last night.
19. When I have the time, I make my own jewellery.
20. I'm currently addicted to Pinterest.
21. I'm still getting over the cancellation of Pushing Daisies, which last aired in 2009.
22. I also like to think that somewhere, someone with all of Ned's qualities (minus the whole 'finger bringing people back from the dead but also killing them again' thing) does exist... because Ned would make the perfect human really.
23. I was in my college choir and as a result of misprinted lyrics, I still can't listen to Run by Snow Patrol without hearing ''I know we'll make it anywhere'' as ''I know we'll make it anywahere". My CT will probably say the same. :)
24. I've only ever been to three 'proper' gigs, two of which being for a folk singer.
25. I'm terrible at putting on accents other than my own, although I'm not bad at a West Country kind of accent.
26. When I was little, my two cousins and I created our own radio show and used to record it every week in our Grandma's little bedroom on a tape recorder. I still have it under my bed and it still makes me cry with laughter.
27. Similarly, my best friend (also called Rachel) and I once recorded our own 'TV show' at a sleepover. I'll probably be embarrassed by my outfit in that forever.
28. I'm a Diana Award holder and proud of it.
29. I seem to have a very forgettable name. When I first met my high school head of year I was wearing a name badge, he still called me Ruth instead, barely any of my college teachers actually called me by my name and for most of semester one, I was known as Rebecca in Icelandic.
30. I'm a huge Eurovision fan and very much looking forward to living with another as of September.
31. I'm not overly crafty, but I go through phases where I make random stuff... right now would be classed as 'one of those phases'.
32. I never buy magazines unless they have a 'free' gift that I actually want. Ironically, three of my skincare staples at the moment came from magazines as freebies.
33. I could live off pizza and pasta.
34. I'm really developing an obsession with Daughtry.
35. I'm also developing an obsession with Keane. I'm blaming this on college choir.
36. I really hate wearing socks and only do it if it's absolutely necessary. Living in the UK doesn't help this issue.
37. More than anywhere, I would love to visit Sweden, closely followed by Australia.
38. I have a bit of a 'thing' about names - I love to know the meanings and origins of names.
39. I still cry every time I watch Pooh's Grand Adventure: The Search for Christopher Robin.
40. I also still cry at Tim Minchin's White Wine in the Sun.
41. I passed my driving theory and practical the first time.
42. If I could justify it, I would still buy every cute cuddly toy I see.
43. I think I've replaced cuddly toys with phone cases. It's a major weakness.
44. I seem to have inherited my parents' love of crime dramas because I generally get hooked on any that I watch.
45. I'm definitely not a shoe girl, which is probably a good thing given that my feet are very obviously different sizes.
46. I named my blog after So She Dances, one of my absolute favourite Josh Groban songs. I also made some word art with lyrics from it last night.
47. I very rarely drink alcohol, which is considered mad amongst my age group. Whatever.
48. I miss the music of my childhood. 'Pop' music is definitely much worse now.
49. I am yet to break or even fracture/sprain a bone (*touches wood*) however I did once have to have stitches in my knee. The man did it wrong and now I have stuff moving around in there. Eurgh.
50. I'm always most awake in the middle of the night, which makes early mornings quite interesting.
So there you go! I hope you enjoyed :) If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to leave them below in the comments section because, as always, I love talking to you guys :)
Thanks for reading,
Rachel x
Instagram: iRachey
