Where I Am

It's probably been somewhere around a year and a half since I sat in the waiting room at our village surgery with my mum, back when my head was fully immersed in a world that scared the hell out of me that I didn't stand a chance of understanding alone. I wouldn't have been there had my brand new university personal tutor gently suggested it when I found the courage to tell her I was struggling. I've learnt a lot about many things since I was sitting anxiously waiting to see an unfamiliar doctor and make vague attempts to articulate the inner workings of my mind. The truth is, I'm still not sure quite how it happened, but the point is that it did and I left the surgery that day with a fresh prescription, a few niggling worries but mainly an enormous sense of relief. 

You see, my two years at college really took their toll on my mental health. It's unfortunate, but it's a fact. By the time I was halfway through my first semester of university, the extreme mental fatigue of those two years finally caught up with me. The friendship group I'd started college with had drifted apart and nobody could really have explained why and the friends I'd made at college were moving away to start exciting new adventures in other parts of the country. 

In my head, I was one gigantic problem on legs. I was miserable, I had no self-confidence, my studies during that time are best left forgotten, I put on weight and I forced myself to try and somehow present all of that to new people in a positive way. I quickly decided that being honest was probably the best way forward. I was tired of pretending things were different than they felt inside my mind. 

I managed a semester of my degree before deciding to switch courses and go from joint to single honours. I just couldn't do it, and I've learnt to be okay with that. I made three wonderful friends - Jack, Isabella, and the ever-witty-texter James - in that semester whose support was immeasurable and though I only see them every few months now, they are all important people in my life. They all head off for a year abroad later this year and I'm excited to see them go on such an incredible journey but sorry to see them go.

While I was considering switching my course, I was fast making friends with a couple of students in one of my elective classes who also happened to be on my core degree programme. We had our elective class immediately followed by a core lecture one day per week, so we would pretty much spend all afternoon together. When I started my new degree programme, one of these people - Brigitte - was in all but one of my classes and introduced me to another person on our programme, Jess. We seem to have formed a nice little group since then. Brigitte and Jess are two of the least judgemental individuals I know and have helped me to find a way of speaking about what's on my mind. Together, we attended my first ever university social recently. For me, that was a huge step.

I still see some of my college and school friends - Sophie, Billie, Eliza and Zoe - sometimes. Some more than others because, let's face it, everybody is unbelievably busy. I also see my 'CT', Poppy, on occasion and we tweet most days. Nobody makes me laugh quite like Poppy and the foundations of our relationship lie in stand-up comedy, bad singing and positivity. Everybody needs a Poppy and that's just how the world should be. She makes me smile and encourages every little ridiculous idea that pops into my head. 

I now go to exercise classes every week - most weeks at least twice, and recently thrice - with my eldest cousin, Amy, and I'm in a bit of a rut at the moment but this is the first time since Christmas when I've felt less than enthusiastic about it. I'd call that an achievement. Purely unintentionally, I've gone back down to my pre-depression dress size and done one of the things I never imagined I would: I bought gym membership. We've reached an age where the age gap between us has evened out now and it's nice to spend so much time together with as close to a sister as I will ever get. 

This year has been easier, academically. I've still had my moments and I don't plan on coming off my medication until my degree has finished but I'm getting there. I've found my strengths and weaknesses and I'm learning how to make them fit around the challenges my mind presents. 

Overall, I'm happy and healthier than I remember being in the last few years. I'm finding confidence in the smallest of places but learning to embrace it. I'm surrounded by people who make my heart happy and support me. I can only hope to do the same in return. I've set myself a goal for my 21st birthday which, in all honesty, has been in the back of my mind since I was probably about 15 now. I've never had the confidence to believe it could happen until now, and knowing that people I love are excited about it for me is a beautiful thing to think about. 

As John Mayer once sang, "I'm in repair. I'm not together, but I'm getting there."

Love always,

Rx
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